I recently decided to start this blog, and once I finally got to it, I realized I wasn't really quite sure what to write about. It wasn't until I thought about it that I found my answer. How can I write about any topic without first explaining why I'm qualified to do so? How can I give advice without first showing I know what I'm talking about?
Well, here it is:
First off, I'm twenty years old, and I just recently released my first novel, The Travelers. I decided I wanted to write at the age of ten, and I've been hashing out crappy manuscripts ever since. I suppose this was the very first that I truly thought was worth sharing; or perhaps it was just the first I wasn't completely embarrassed to let someone read. Whatever it was, everyone who's read it so far is eager for the sequel, which boosts my self esteem.
That leads me to another need to know thing about me. I'm also a recovering anorexic. I spent five years of my life having people tear me down about my weight. After a while, I couldn't see myself as beautiful anymore. I saw myself several sizes larger than I was. The numbers on the scale were never small enough, and the amount of calories I consumed a day was never low enough. It took years before I could see the good things about me; the things that even I loved about myself. Its still a struggle, though. I still get those urges to skip a meal or run an extra mile. I still wonder if I lost a few pounds, would I still be married right now?
Oh look, another topic! I'm on the downhill side of my divorce. Yes, you heard me right, twenty and divorced. I married too young, to the wrong person, at the wrong time, in the wrong place, in the wrong way. We were only married six months before we separated. She had cheated on me, and I left in the middle of the night after packing as much as I could fit into my car. At the time, I wondered why I wasn't good enough. If I lost weight, would she love me again? What did I do wrong? Turns out, I'm not the one in the wrong; I'm not the crazy one. Okay, that's not true.
I suffer from PTSD and Anxiety. The PTSD is a result of childhood abuse and the anxiety comes from the self isolation from the PTSD. Together, the two have helped me develop yet another disorder called Dissociative Amnesia. This basically means that at any point, if I get too stressed or upset, I can forget things. The first time it happened, I forgot four years of my life. Its slowly been coming back since I've lowered my stress level and cut out the wrong people from my life, but I still live in fear that it could happen again.
I'm also a BIG lesbian. That's right, throwing around the 'L' word. Good show, by the way. I currently have a girlfriend. Her name is Kara, but I don't think she'll be my girlfriend for too long. Nothing ever lasts right? I'm hoping one day she'll be my wife, but this time, I'm gonna do it right. No more of this divorce business.
Kara's special too. She had an accident that broke her neck, and now she's in a wheelchair. She cannot feed herself, bathe herself, dress herself, or even get herself out of bed. Someone else has to do everything for her, all because of a distracted driver. I don't mind though. Taking care of her gives me purpose. Not to mention, with all my issues, it takes someone truly broken to be able to take care of me. Besides, I don't think she'll be in that chair forever, not if I have something to do with it. Determination is half the battle, and motivation is the other half.
I feel like I'm forgetting something. Maybe I'll think of it another day and blog about it, so that's all for now. Thank you for reading, and I hope to get to know you better too.
xoxo,
Ellie,
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